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ParentsUncut Pod
This is a Podcast surrounding the adventure, struggle, beauty and intricacies of new parenthood. Hosted by three parents, totally 10 kids in together, they go through their mazes and phases of parenting styles, parenting norms, modern day parents, their trials and tribulations whilst keeping it raw and unfiltered. Thanking you for joining us on this journey and we hope we can bring some value to new parents, old parents and those thinking of becoming parents
ParentsUncut Pod
It's So Hard To Say Goodbye | Episode 23 | Parents Uncut Podcast
What if the very fabric of your life unraveled unexpectedly? This episode takes you on a raw and emotional journey through the trials of sudden loss and the power of resilience.
The narrative unfolds with a gripping account of a medical emergency—a loved one's brain aneurysm and stroke—catapulting us into a whirlwind of fear and hope. We share the tense moments spent in the ICU, the critical decisions, and the importance of family support during such crises. Through the lens of this experience, we explore resilience, love, and the unyielding commitment to recovery, revealing how life's curves can strengthen bonds and ignite the deepest forms of care and togetherness.
As we navigate the aftermath of loss, we delve into the complexities of grief, faith, and hope. We recount the struggle to find strength in the face of heartbreak, the cultural richness of memorials, and the enduring impact of Don’s legacy. This episode is a heartfelt tribute to cherishing memories while also confronting fears head-on, reminding us of the fragility of life and the profound importance of being present for those we love. Join us in honoring Don's memory.
Thank you for being here, thank you for your time and energy. We hope that we can ALL build this incredible community for parents by parents with parents.
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All right.
Speaker 2:I guess we're back, sort of yeah, sort of back. We are back with a very special episode. Due to unfortunate circumstances, we had to take a summer break and so we're sorry. We're sorry for the break, we're sorry for the pause, but we are going to be back with a special episode starting. Yes, jazz jacks in case you didn't know, in case you didn't know, in case you didn't watch us.
Speaker 1:It's been a long it's been like I think the last time we shot was like early july. I want to say yes yeah, and I feel I felt so nervous today, all day leading up to this, because I'm like why do I feel so nervous? Why do I feel so?
Speaker 2:nervous. I was fine until we got here, and now I'm nervous.
Speaker 1:Now I'm like I'm like this is my first time again and right, it's all over again.
Speaker 2:I. I don't even know what to say, when we left off. You know, I can't even remember the. I feel like everything was a blur. I feel like we just went on a standstill yeah, we were planning on our vacation.
Speaker 1:Yes, well, we did our girls. We were talking about our girls trip.
Speaker 2:Yes, we had beach day.
Speaker 1:Atlantic City. Yep, and then we all had plans for the summer, and I had plans to go on a cruise that I was looking forward to, since forever my first time on a cruise and it was going to be a week. It was my first time taking a week vacation, because every time I take a vacation it's usually like a long weekend, just a few days Thursday to Monday. Thursday to a long weekend, you know, just a few days. Thursday to Monday. Thursday to Sunday.
Speaker 2:And that's time. It was a full week.
Speaker 1:Because you get homesick after a few days of being away. I don't understand people that take more than a week. Yeah, like I'm like okay, I had enough beach, like take me back home. So I was planning on a cruise to go to Bahamas, dr Turks and Caicos. That was a nice one. And then Plans changed.
Speaker 2:Plans changed fast, so tell us what happened. I know.
Speaker 1:I'm going to bring this closer because this is a rough one, you know. You remember, I always said I'm not the emotional person and like I've been, so like emotional Things change, things change, I know.
Speaker 2:Coming here was a trigger. So I'm just like trying to help me, so last time we were here we were with last time we shot here was with Dawn.
Speaker 1:Yes, that was a Father's Day episode.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, yeah, we were sitting at the table.
Speaker 1:And that's why I felt triggered coming here, because even at the other set I'm like every time we were here he was right there in that chair, like just there picking me up, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, for those of you that don't know, we have had a loss. Jasmine had a really big loss.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And Don is no longer with us.
Speaker 1:He's with us in spirit, and yes, he definitely is with us in spirit.
Speaker 2:I know he is.
Speaker 1:That's why I'm so hot Complaining that hair's not going on and it just hurts. And that was every night, every night. Be like I'm hot, get the AC down. And he'd be like, oh my God.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I was getting ready to go on vacation. It was a Tuesday night.
Speaker 1:Literally yeah. And I was like, oh my god. But um, yeah, um, I was getting ready to go on vacation. It was a tuesday night, literally the night before. Yeah, leading up to that week, I was just like hesitant. I'm like I don't really look forward to this vacation. I was like I do and I don't. I was like I'm gonna miss you. How am I gonna be without you for a week to done? You know, he was just like I'm gonna miss you too. Like you better not be talking to Dom. You know, he was just like I'm going to miss you too. Like you better not be talking to no dudes on the ship. And I'm like I'm not talking, I'm not going to talk to nobody. So that was a Tuesday.
Speaker 1:That Friday, before we were going, he picked me up. We were going with the kids to Ralph's that was our thing Ralph's Always getting Italian Icy's, because I loved it. And then I was like we'll go on a diet after summer. So we were going to Ralph's and he'd be in the car. It was just me, him and Katie actually. And then he's talking, he's acting weird. I'm like why are you acting weird? And he's he's just like being silly. And then we got our Icy's on the way back. He's just like. He took my hand. He's like haha, how about that? And he put the ring on my finger and I'm like what is this, what is this? And he's just like. He's like oh so, so dudes can know on the ship that you take it. I'm like what is this? Because I'm like, because that is not.
Speaker 1:I'm like your regular and he's like it's not an engagement ring, because I know what you like, but this is going to hold you down, so that's like oh my God, this is beautiful.
Speaker 2:Are you sure? This is like an engagement ring.
Speaker 1:He's like no, I'm going to get you to be bigger and better. And I know you like yellow gold and I was like you know me, so you know I was mad giddy. I know we were all like what.
Speaker 1:I, I know we were all like what I said look at my nails. I was like, look at my nails. And everybody's like bitch, is that what I think it is? And I'm like, no, it's actually a promise ring. So that was a good you know little leading up to that. So Tuesday, all those days he was just so sad and I was like how am I gonna be without you for a week? How am I gonna sleep without you for a week? Because we slept together every night. We were together every night. Um, so he, he was getting the kids ready for bed and then he got to my house at like nine and I was looking crazy. I had fucking aluminum foil all over my head because I had just dyed my hair.
Speaker 1:Oh my god so he's looking at me, looking crazy, and my sister was there with us. We like, oh, we excited about tomorrow. He was actually putting on the luggage tax for us, filling on my luggage tag, and then we were just cuddling and he was just just like I'm going to miss you. I was like I'm going to miss you too, and it was just so like now that I think back on it, it was really somber. And then, you know, things happened and all of a sudden he started saying that he felt lightheaded. He was like babe, I feel lightheaded. I was like put the ac up. I was like turn the ac up. And he was like no, babe, I feel lightheaded, like. He was like like I can't see. And I'm like what do you mean? You can't see? I was like just go next to the fan, go next to the AC. And he's just like babe, I can't see. Oh my god. From there he was just like oh my god, my neck, my neck, is on fire. And I'm like what do you mean? What's going on? He's like I don't know, babe, I'm scared, I can't see my neck.
Speaker 1:And then it started. The pain started like and test and testify intensifying and I was just like in my I was kind of it was like stuck, like wait, is this fruit? Is this really happening? Like what the fuck is going on? So I'm getting up, up. I'm like babe, put some clothes on, like put some clothes on. And he starts screaming. Like I'm helping him put his shorts on and I'm like do you want? Do we have to go to the hospital? And he's just screaming. I was like I screamed out to Romeo, who was in the living room playing his game, and Nina, my sister, downstairs, and he heard him screaming and so he was like what's going on? I was like call Nina. She came up. I'm on the phone with 911.
Speaker 1:I'm like I don't know what's going on. He's screaming, he's having horrible pain from his head and his neck. He said he can't see they're questioning me. He's on the bed, like he fell back, and I'm like, immediately, I'm triggered because I'm thinking about what happened to my dad, right, you know like, and I'm like, no, wake up. My sister's like don, come on, come on, stay with us, get up, get up, come on. And he's just like please help me. I'm in so much pain, like pleading like help, and I'm like I don't know what to do I on the phone and they're asking me a million questions and I'm trying to help him. I took a fucking bottle of cold water and I'm pouring it on him to see if he would come out of it and in my mind I didn't know he was having a brain aneurysm. I'm thinking what the fuck is going on. I'm just thinking I don't know, maybe he pulled something.
Speaker 2:So that it had erupted. Yes, you didn't, I didn't know, I had no idea.
Speaker 1:I never experienced this before. All he's saying is that his neck is on fire. It was mostly his neck at that time and he was saying he can't see but the amount of pain. I'm like maybe he freaking pulled something in his neck. So then the ambulance takes forever to come and me and my sister are trying to help him, like you know, putting cold water on him, patting him not rubbing him and telling him it's going to be OK, and he's just like please help me. Finally the ambulance came and they're trying to figure out what's going on, if he has any medical history. I'm saying no because you didn't know I didn't know.
Speaker 1:Right, I didn't know he had any. He never shared that with me. You know we had conversations about that, about our history, and he never shared anything in the past with me. So I'm just like, no, we don't know what's going on with me. So I'm just like, no, we don't know what's going on.
Speaker 1:Trying to get him down the stairs in my house was hard because you know, the stairs are narrow in my house. He couldn't walk. They had to get him onto the stretcher chair right. Trying to get him down the stairs it was so hard and I'm just like hurry up. Like, because he's like please give me something. And he's screaming at this time it's so frantic every we're all just frantic, like trying, and they were trying to get him down, finally getting in there, loading him up, and I'm like I need to go with him. And they're like, oh, you can't ride in the ambulance with him because he's critical to go with him. And they're like, oh, you can't ride in the ambulance with him because he's critical. I'm in the fire man's car with him.
Speaker 1:I don't even know if I was in a truck or what at this point. Everything was a blur and I remember my sister's like what's going on? Don't worry, just go. I'd say I got the kids. I called jessenia and I'm like she's a nurse, so I'm like I don't know what's going on, jessie. She's like what happened? I was like Don's having so much pain and she's like what are his symptoms? And she's just like telling me what it could be and I'm like she's like it could be a stroke and I'm like how Right? So I'm worried on the whole ride to the hospital because I'm not with him. So I don't know what's going on. We get to the hospital he's still screaming and he's like please, please, babe. I'm like just calm down, he's gonna be okay. And they're like his blood pressure is through the roof.
Speaker 1:It was 260 which is like insane off the freaking scale right and they're like this is we need to get him a scan right now. So they did it, you know, because they're setting him up and trying to go through everything and checking on his vitals and everything and we're waiting. At this time he's still screaming in so much pain, but they can't give him anything until they know what's going on which is crazy, especially when it's like neurological and all we, all I could do was try to like talk to him and wait till his family got there, because I didn't even have his family's number.
Speaker 1:I had to ask him during that time for his password to open his phone and call his family. And I'm calling them and they didn't pick up, and and then romeo called the kids, so the kids called, you know. So finally they showed up at the hospital some some time, still waiting. He's having to pee. I'm helping him and he's throwing up and I'm like trying to help him and trying to calm him down and I'm just like, please, can you give him something for the pain, just give him something. I felt helpless because he's yeah, don is a strong man, he's a big, he was, he was a big guy, like I'm still talking about him like he's, like he's here because it's so, it's so unreal so it's like I'm like please give him something.
Speaker 1:And they're like we can't. I'm like, all right, so when are they coming to take him for a scan? I felt like it was forever. So they took him for the scan and I'm waiting with his family and I'm just like shaking and I'm like I didn't even know still at that point, what was going on. And then the nurse tells me the neurosurgeon has to come and speak to the family. And I'm like the neurosurgeon what the fuck is going on? Right? So neurosurgeon comes in and she's just like he had a brain aneurysm rusher. It looks like he has two and he's going to need to have surgery tonight.
Speaker 2:And at this point we're like what the fuck?
Speaker 1:What the fuck do you do? What's going to happen? They transfer him upstairs to the ICU. We go up. We still can't. You know, they have him in the room and they're, you know, giving him stuff now and we can't see him. So we're all in the family waiting room in the ICU and I called my sister because I was like I need somebody here for my support, right, because I didn't have a really close relationship with his family at the time. I had only met them like once or twice prior, aside from his kids. You know his family, I didn't have a relationship with them. So my sisters came, like my sister came, and then my other sister from the city.
Speaker 1:She came and the neurosurgeon comes in the room and she's like telling us they have to do emergency surgery because they have to drain the blood from the. When you have a brain aneurysm, rupture and a bleed, that's considered a stroke. So the aneurysm caused a stroke. Okay, so he had brain aneurysm, rupture and a stroke. So they said they had to get in there right away to drain the fluid and that would require drilling two holes in his head, putting drains in, and they had to do it right then head putting drains in and they had to do it right then. As she was explaining everything to me, my whole body was physically shaking like trembling from the nerves, like I just couldn't believe what was happening. Like you're gonna have to drill two holes in his head right now.
Speaker 2:Like right, we didn't have any time, we couldn't even see him.
Speaker 1:So they went and they did it. So they went and they did it. We're all like nervous wreck, like what's going on? Is he okay? It feels like hours later they come in, they're like, oh, everything went well, but he needs to. You know, he needs some time to recover. So we can't let you guys go in and then eventually they let us in and seeing him like that he had, they had to intubate him.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:He had his head was shaved and he had the drains in and I'm like, how is this reality? We were planning, I was planning on going on vacation tomorrow. You know, we were just fine a couple hours ago. Like, how do we end up here? So it was a waiting game. You know, like he was like he was asleep because he was on heavy meds for the pain and we just had to wait and let him recover, let it drain, let the fluid drain from his skull. Basically, we stayed at the hospital around the clock.
Speaker 1:I think I went home sometime the next day to change yes, and then when I came back to see him, I remember his brother was saying that he was responsive and I'm like, oh, he was. Like, what did he say? Because every time they would come and like, I guess you know, check on him to see if he's responding. He was responsive and I'm like, damn, I missed it. So then I'm there. I feel like everybody was in the room at the time and they were like we have to take out the intubation to see you know, because the longer it's in can get infection Right, and they wanted him to breathe on his own.
Speaker 1:So, as the respiratory was in the room and we were waiting, all of a sudden, I know the pastor came. Pastor Quincy came, prayed over him and then he started throwing up with the intubation, which is dangerous because it can aspirate Right. So they had to rush everybody out the room and I was like he was trying to pull it out himself. And I was like, and you know, don was strong, I know, and they're like everybody has to leave. I'm like, let me stay with him because I'm calm when he's calm with me.
Speaker 1:And he was like he went and I was like I'm right here, babe, just just relax, they're gonna take it out, you know, you're gonna be okay. Finally they took it out and I was like squeezing my hand and he was squeezing my, my fingers, and then he was responsive. Every now and then, like when they would wean him off to check on him, and like he was responsive, he was, remember, I remember saying he's talking. You know, whenever he wakes up he's like talking and you know. They told him. The next day, when we woke up, it was I stayed with him at the hospital that night, just me and him in the room. His family was in the waiting room and every time he fidgeted, I'm like I'm right here, like I slept on the chair right next to his bed and every time he fidgeted I'm like I'm right here, don't worry, and I'm sorry, no, I. I think they came in the room to do tests and they're like raise your left arm, raise your right arm, what's your name? He said his name. Where are you? He knew where he was. He said I'm at South Shore Hospital and they're asking him like what year is it? He was responsive, he was able to move his feet, wiggle his toes, everything. So I was like, okay, he's gonna get better, he's gonna be fine, he's responsive, like you know. We're gonna deal with whatever comes after this therapy. All of that we're gonna deal with it. I'm gonna be by his side. The next day in the morning. I'm more like on my side.
Speaker 1:I remember his daughter came early in the morning and before she went to work and she's like hey, dad, I'm here. I was like nice, he's like I don't want her to see me like this. And she's like stop it, dad, you look good. And he was like I got caught in mouth. He's like I got caught in mouth and me and her laughing and we're like can he have some? Like something? She's there something to drink. And we're like can he have something to drink? And they were like no, but he can have ice. So she was feeding him ice, you know, and he was letting it melt in his mouth and he was like he was responsive. And you know we felt hopeful, like okay, he's you know he's here.
Speaker 1:He's going to recover. She went to work. I'm in the waiting room eating with my sisters and I'm feeling better because I'm like he's responsible, he's joking, he's complaining that he was complaining that they were hurting him, and then another neurosurgeon comes in and she's like I need to speak to the family of Donovan and I'm like here, not what she expected.
Speaker 1:But I'm like right here and then she was like I had to call his daughter on the phone and she was explaining to us that you know, we already knew he had two aneurysms One ruptured, the one right next to his left ear. He has another one between his eyes that most likely he was born with. He has another one between his eyes that most likely he was born with. So that rupture behind the left ear is close to your brain stem, so your brain stem is right on the side. So she had a picture of his skin and she said the drains up here are working, but when he had the stroke, his bleed in the back that's not draining, his brain is swelling because there's no drainage coming out from the back.
Speaker 1:So they said, most likely they would have to do a life-saving surgery life-saving only for life-saving measure, it's called a craniectomy and they had to. Like they explained, this was open up part of the back of his skull so that the fluid could drain and his brain could have space to expand. And I'm like she's like, oh, depending on the next scan. I'm like, alright. So's like, oh, depending on the next scan. I'm like all right, so let's wait till the next scan. Hopefully it's, you know, it's going down.
Speaker 1:So I'm telling Naisha this. I'm on the phone, his daughter, and she's just like, okay. So we're like when's the next scan? And they're like, oh, like 6 pm. So I'm like, okay, we'll wait till then and see, not even a couple hours later, another, the head neurosurgeon comes in and he's like we need to do the surgery Based on the scans, the prior scans. We don't want to wait and it's going to get worse and it's going to be too late, right? So I'm like his family's not even here, they have to come back, like we have to wait. I call his daughter and she's just like all right, you, you, you do what you have to do to save my dad. You know, I'm calling his mom, his brother. Thank god, as they prep him for surgery, they make it into the room, so the nurse is waking him up right so she put something in his mouth.
Speaker 1:It's kind of like a toothbrush thing, and he's just like that's weird and we're laughing, babe. Hey, babe, I'm like we're here, look your brother's here, and he's like what's up, bro? And he gave his brother a bath and and he was just like stock market is crazy. And then Dwayne's like yo, that's the last thing we were talking about the other day before this happened, because this was when it happened. It was Tuesday and this was Thursday. So I'm like babe, you know who I am. His mom's like you know who that is? And he's just like Ashley. I'm like ashley oh, who's ashley? I'm like who's ashley? And his mom's like go back to sleep, junior. And I'm like I'm here and his brother's just like his brother's, laughing. He's like I'm gonna tell you that story. So I'm like but in that moment we're laughing. But there goes to show you, the fluid was making him confused, because that area in the back of the head is the cerebellum right.
Speaker 2:So that's where your memory is, your, you know your, all your cognitive memory, yes, function, so I'm like I love you, babe.
Speaker 1:I was like you love me. He's like, of course. And then I'm like I love you, babe. I was like you love me, he's like, of course. And then I'm like you're going to fight, right, you're going to make it through. They're going to take you, but you're going to pull through, right, you're strong, right. He's just like yeah. Then he nodded his head and I was like I got you Because we always said that to each other like I got you. And he always was like you got me, like I know you got me. So I'm like I got you and I'm like you got me. He's like. So Everybody's like we love you, you're going to be okay, we're going to see you when you come back.
Speaker 1:And then they wheeled him away and that's the last time I spoke to him. You know we were waiting. It was like 12 o'clock and we thought they were going to do the surgery right away. And then it's like 4 o'clock and the doctor called me from the operating room and he's just like. I just want to let you know that we had a hard time setting him up, getting his anesthesia stable. So we're going to start the procedure now, the surgery now.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, oh my God, like we were expecting him to come out of surgery. So we're like, wow, so they're like it's going to be another three to four hours, so the time everybody's there, we're just waiting. And you were there. You know, I feel like everybody came to support me and who I needed, like stephanie came from connecticut, jessenia came from connecticut, you were there, my cousin was there, my family was there, his family was there. I felt like we had like that whole hospital icu room. The family room was just like full it was. We have everybody brought food and so we there just, and we we were.
Speaker 1:You know we had. We're sharing stories and and laughing just to like keep distracted. And then, um, they're like oh, I think his brother or his mother said oh, I heard they're bringing him back to his room, so we're like okay, because she stayed downstairs.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she was like right there.
Speaker 1:So everybody's heard. When we heard that he was coming up, we were waiting outside the room so we could see. When they wheeled him back to the room, yeah, and you know they was getting him set up, so we had to wait, of course. And then, you know, they was getting him set up, so we had to wait, of course. And then, you know, we saw him and he was intubated again and all these tubes on him. He looked like he was sleeping.
Speaker 1:So the next day, friday, you know they did the same. They were doing the same test that they did the other day when he was responding, waking him up, putting something in his mouth. They did like a pain, like they would pinch his fingers, put the light in his eyes to see if his pupils were dilating. There was no response and they repeated that throughout the day and I think then that night the one of the surgeons came and he told us that it looked like there was no function. That they would be doing like a final test the next day where they put um the dye it's kind of like an MRI into the brain to see if there's any reactions, any function any flow, whatever, yeah, anything so it was a waiting game for that too.
Speaker 1:And then all I remember is them calling us, calling us into the conference room. In my heart I already knew, because I dealt with this with my dad, where he had didn't have any brain function. I mean, he had some because he was still able to breathe when they took out his intubation, but don was on 100 percent oxygen. The machines were 100% breathing for him at that time. And I know this because one of his best friends, who's a nurse, he came that night after before they did the function, and I was telling him what's going on and he was telling me and just saying I was there, she's a nurse, so they were talking in their nurse language and they're like oh, this, is that 100%? I'm like what does that mean? He's like that means that the machine is breathing for him 100%. So in my heart I knew, but I wanted to see what the test said, of course, because at that moment you still have some type of hope.
Speaker 1:Exactly so I think. During that day, while we were waiting, like, while there was no, like we didn't see the functions before the test was done, we brought the kids, we had to go and talk to the kids and hopefully that would like trigger some kind of reaction. That was the worst thing of my life Having to go and just tell the kids that they had to go see their dad and what to expect when they saw him, and my kids as well, his kids and them seeing him like that was just like terrible. I don't even want to think about that being. But the next day, when they pulled us in the conference room, the doctor told us there was no brain function and it was just like Everybody was just like what do you mean? Like this can't be. I'm like I think I remember I went in the bathroom I don't know if you were there I was just like how could this be happening? He was only 42. He had so much plans. You know, like you're telling me that we're going to have to pull him off life support within 24 hours and then we had to tell him what time we wanted to do it. Like it was just a nightmare, you know.
Speaker 1:So that night I had to go home. I was just, I was just like I can't be here, like I know he's not here. I, I had to go home. I, I was exhausted. I remember I felt like I was a zombie. I was just like sewn out, you know. And then I was like all right, I went through this before Know how to deal with it. I went home that morning. I got dressed up to try and make myself feel normal. I did my hair, I did my makeup Because I'm like you know what I don't want you to. To make myself feel normal, I did my hair, I did my makeup Because I don't want I'm like you know what, I don't want you to see me looking like shit, you know.
Speaker 2:I don't want to wash you off and I'm looking like shit.
Speaker 1:You know, I got to represent for you, so I'm walking in the room, everybody's there, and I couldn't like. All I remember is I went and I all I remember is I went and I was like I felt like I was under control. I was like, okay, we're gonna do this. As soon as I walk in the room, I see his brother. I'm like I can't even look at him. I was like I can't even look at him. How am I gonna do this? I can't say bye to him. His brother had to put me on. His brother was consoling me, talking to me and I'm just like, why would that's when I started like questioning my faith? I'm just like, why would that's when I started like questioning my faith? I'm like I don't understand.
Speaker 1:He was a widow. He lost his wife two years ago. He was just starting to be happy again, like with me. Like we had a, even though it was a short time. We had such a bond from the beginning. Like we were planning a future together.
Speaker 1:The kids, like we were planning a future together. The kids, like we were like a blended family. The kids, we, the kids loved each other. Like everybody was so excited. You know, usually when people come together with kids, it's not good with us. Everything just blended great, like we had such a great connection. The kids loved each other. We were like wow.
Speaker 1:Like he would tell me like this is I never had a love like this. Yes, I was married before and you know I had other relationships, but I never felt like this, you know. And with me, you know I was single for three years and I went through a lot dating and I was just like I'm giving up dating, I'm not. And then we met like it was not planned but everything just clicked, like we were just like perfect for each other. Like he calmed me down, you know, like he changed me and I used to joke with him like you know, he's muslim.
Speaker 1:I used to be like I'm a modest woman. Now, you see, like I don't even wear what I used to wear, no more. You know I'm I don't be posting no pictures of myself and I'm just like how can god bring us together to take it away? Like why? I don't understand. I'm like I don't want to hear about god. I remember saying I was like I don't want to. Everybody's like just have faith in god, pray. I'm like I don't want to hear about God right now, because why would God do this to him, to his kids? His kids lost their mother two years ago. Now they're losing their father. Like, how is this God's plan, you know?
Speaker 1:So we had to say goodbye to him and the kids and it was the worst. It was the worst thing I ever went through. I feel like having to be there with the kids during that time when we had to break the news, that was the most heartbreaking experience of my life. Like I just wish things were different, not even for me, like for them. You know, like I hate that this happened to them. You know, I'm not going to make it about me, they're the most important. So, you know, everything happened fast. I had to go into like his family, like planning, and the next day we had to have, we had the funeral the next day, we had to bury him the next day and because he was a Muslim.
Speaker 1:Because he was a Muslim, we had to follow his religion and his beliefs and his family's wishes. And it was just like what now? Like what now? It's just like being with someone every day and it's just like I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was just like lost, like he's buried. Okay, life goes on. You know, is that what's supposed to happen? Life is supposed to go on like. I just felt, like I just want everything to like, time to stay still, and it did it.
Speaker 2:It felt like it was a roller coaster. It was. You know we were sad, we were happy, we were hopeful. We were back sad. There was anger. You know it was so many emotions happening all at once and there's just no book on how to maneuver or function through any of this. You know it was really. It's hard all around. I know it's hard for you.
Speaker 1:It was hard watching this happening if it wasn't for, like, you guys being there, like I wouldn't have felt, I don't know what I would have done because, you know, I had all the support. So I was never like able to just be in that moment, like like feeling like, oh, like so overtaken by emotion, because I had you guys there to distract you, really distract me, to support me. You know, tell stories about Don and you know like and we laughed.
Speaker 2:We, you know it was this distracted the, the distraction at the moment. But it was something that I said to Ed, where I was like I was like I'm scared. I was like I'm scared of when she's alone. I'm scared of those feelings coming up because I've seen, like you know, I saw my sister go through it, with her husband losing him, and I'm now watching my best friend who's the love of her life. So it was like it wasn't easy and I didn't even know like it was like I just had to be there. I couldn't say much because it was like what do you say? What?
Speaker 1:do you say? You know, I felt like after, during the burial and the funeral, I felt like I had like a supernatural strength that got me through that, because everybody was just like, oh, you're so strong, you're so strong, and I feel like that was not me, like that was him, you know, because he was strong and I'm like I don't know how I'm like this, you know. Now it's just like unfortunately, life goes on right. I had to go back to work the following week and that was hard, you know, because I have, I had such a brain fog like this is my own reality. How do I adjust? How do I sleep? I wasn't sleeping.
Speaker 1:It happened in my room. You know, I was triggered every day when I went in my room. Like I'm still triggered, like I still look at the chair that he sat on every day and I'm just like, wow, this is my new reality. He's not here anymore. You know, getting ready in the morning, like I'm doing my makeup and my vanity, and he was always behind me staring at me like he's so beautiful, and I'm like, stop it, you know, stop you know, it's just like now, you know I have those.
Speaker 1:I'm just like damn, like he's not here. And when I'm at work I'm busy, I'm distracting myself at work. When I'm home with the kids, I'm busy. You know, like I don't want them to see me sad. You know I was worried, mostly more than myself, for the kids. Like my kids had a bond with him. Katie, my little one was she. Was she loved on? Like she really loved on? Like she would tell people like that's my dad?
Speaker 1:you know, that's how like their bond was and so I didn't want them to be sad. So I'm making sure, like that they're okay. You know, I'm checking on his kids to make sure that they're okay. You know, like, what's gonna happen, like I'm here, like whatever you need, I'm here. His family I'm like it brought us together because we didn't have a relationship before. We only met a couple times and then at that point we're speaking all day long. You know me, his family, and it's just when I'm alone, that's when it hits me.
Speaker 1:I have my triggers. When I'm driving in the car, I'm like I was always the passenger because he wanted to drive. All the time I was the passenger princess, that was my thing. And then, whenever I did drive, I'm like oh, you're the passenger princess. He's like stop it. So I think about that. And then certain songs come on and I can't hear it. I can't.
Speaker 1:In the beginning I really liked some like birds of a feather, that song. I used to sing him that song all the time. It's like you know, like I love you to the day that I die. Like, and I meant that you know, and he, he like he was so happy, we were happy. And then it's just like when I'm alone I'm triggered. You know, I have to switch songs. Or I got back into my podcast because, like it's like every song reminds me of him. I can't hear any R&B love song because, you know, he always just say when he fell in love with me, he saw me on the podcast talking about that 90s R&B love doesn't exist. And he's like no, I'm here, baby, like you just haven't met me.
Speaker 1:Yet you know, so I'm like all those things like just remind me. You know, like I keep this. When we went roller skating with the kids, you know the church, you know I'm, I want my kids to have a good time and everybody and then, you know, I'm in my grief because a song comes on and I'm just like I felt emotional, like this was. You know, we used to sing this song to each other and then I don't want nobody to see me being struck with grief at that moment. Everybody's having fun. I don't want to start crying and then everybody's like I don't want attention on me. So I had to hold that in, and that's what I do a lot. I have to hold everything in.
Speaker 1:You know, we had the memorial for him planning that. I wanted to make it beautiful. I worked with him, we worked with his family, we worked together on making that, you know, beautiful for him and I think it came out really nice. It did. It was beautiful, you know. I know he would be proud. We had so much food Jamaican everybody was like, oh my God, this food is delicious. Jamaican and Puerto Rican. We had like 100 trays of food.
Speaker 2:It was crazy. That was crazy. Amir, you'd be proud of me. I did a slideshow of all these pictures of Don she did that for me, that was her project that was my project. I did a slideshow of all the pictures, right. So I'm like doing it on on um, on uh, on the macbook and on what's I movie, and so I'm adding, like I'm adding some pictures, and it's like it's pissing me off and I started. It's crazy because I'm like I'm like bro, I had to like stop, I had to stop.
Speaker 2:I'm doing it. I'm so frustrated. I'm sitting on the sofa and I'm like, oh my God, work for me. I'm like, bro, I love you. I'm talking to Don and I'm like I love you and I want to do this for you and I want to make it nice, so can you please let this cooperate for me? I remember you, like, oh my god. I'm like, I'm like this is crazy. No, and I kept sending her more pictures. Oh my god, I had emails and text messages of so many pictures coming down.
Speaker 1:So then, um, I was like he would be proud because when we were talking about our wedding, we're like we're gonna have jamaica to puerto rican food with food galore right, it was food galore, you know. And, um, everybody was just people that they made. They were telling me like who know? And everybody was just people that they were telling me like who they were, and everybody was telling me how much they loved him. And I had people reaching out to me and everybody just had the same thing to say Like Don was such a great guy, like he was such a guy, like he was there for everybody. He always had encouraging words to say to everybody. You know, he helped me with this and I'm just like that's who he was.
Speaker 1:Like he made sure everybody else was good, you know, and in part, you know, he neglected himself, and physically, because he was always trying to help Because he was always worried about everybody else, worried about his clients, worried about everybody else, worried about his clients, worried about his business, worried about his family, his kids, was his main priority, you know. So I just wish he would have, you know, took a little care of himself. Like we were planning on getting back, he had already lost weight. Like we got together, he lost weight. Like I was like, oh, getting back, he had, he had already lost weight. Like we got together, he lost weight.
Speaker 1:Like I always tell him like, oh, look at you, you're looking good. Like you know, like and he was doing it, like he was out there walking and waking up in the morning and going on walks and I was just like, yeah, we'll do it. We did it once and I was like it's too hot in the summer, we'll start after the summer, you know, when the kids are back to school. Like that was the plan, you know. And then it's just become like me wanting to keep his memory alive. You know, I don't want my kids to forget him. I want to be in his kids' life, like I want to make sure that I'm there for whatever they need. Like my kids and his kids love each other.
Speaker 2:They call each other their brothers I've seen them, you know, I've seen them together. It's, it's crazy, solomon's, I mean a message calling me mom.
Speaker 1:Like I was so emotional that I'm like, wow, like yeah, you know um his daughter, like I love her, like she's just like I'm so glad I'm you know I have you, you know you're part of my dad and I'm like I'm so glad I have you too.
Speaker 1:You look just like your dad you know, I'm gonna go to her graduation in may and I still, we still. She still calls me, I call her. We reach out to each other. You know, um, I miss the kids. You know, because I feel like not only did I lose don, I lost the kids too, because it's not how it was. You know they were, we were always together, right you know.
Speaker 2:So what, what changes? Like it's hard because you know, know he's not there, and so now it's a completely different dynamic and there's, obviously they're still here, but like what changes now it's just, you know, I just don't see them as I want to, like we did.
Speaker 1:I don't have access to them like I did before because Don was always with me. You know, we did things together with the kids. They were at my house Like I would. I became like a person who actually enjoyed cooking, you know. Like you know, I like to cook, I would love making them breakfast and feeding them and we all sat down together at the table Like that was. That made me complete. He, I remember telling me he's like I see you really enjoy this and I was like I never thought I would, but I do like I did, you know, and now it's just like I miss that. I miss having them in my house. I wish we had our movie nights, like cooking for them. And you know, I think I've only seen them twice since everything happened. I saw them at the memorial and then I saw them this weekend when we had the walk.
Speaker 1:We did the brain aneurysm awareness walk in his honor. I found out about that actually on his birthday. His birthday was september 7th um, I, they were having this winter um, not winter, uh water lantern festival and I was like that it was in eisenhower park and I was like this would be a good thing to do to honor him on his birthday. So my sister and my nephew, his wife, came with me and that morning I got up with the kids and we went to the cemetery, took in flowers, saw the sunrise. It was beautiful, like it was hard being there. Like me and the kids and it was their first time they hadn't gone there for the burial. We were all emotional. We sang happy birthday to him, put a little plaque and then we left and we did that water lantern festival and there was like a thousand people there and they were like, oh, come up if you want to dedicate it your lantern. And I was just so nervous and I'm like I don't know my family's like do it. And I was just so nervous and I'm like I don't know my family's like do it. And I was like you know what I'm gonna do it for, don, like for his birthday. So I went up there and they were like, oh, we're not taking anymore. And I was like, please, like, let me just get this out there. I want to bring awareness. It's brain aneurysm awareness month, so they let me go on. I was the last person to go on. I was nervous as hell speaking in front of all these people, like it's it's not behind the camera, it's like everybody's there looking at you on the stage. But, um, you know, I dedicated my lantern to him and I told everybody you know it's september is brain aneurysm awareness month.
Speaker 1:Um, don't ignore your signs. Like people you know have headaches from stress. But if you have a headache that's constant, if you have migraine, if you have neck pain, like with nausea, like, don't like, first of all, get your regular screenings. Like get your screenings, go to the doctor. Make sure you get your physicals go to the doctor. Make sure you get your physicals um yearly. But if you have excessive headaches, migraines, you know, vision, slight vision problems, like make sure you ask for a brain scan because doctors are just going to be quick to be like, oh yes, here's a prescription, but that's what it.
Speaker 1:That's what they always you know, what it doesn't hurt to get a scan, because what they were saying was he could have been born with it or he could have developed it along the way. So things that cause brain aneurysms are high blood pressure, stress. You could be born with it, some people could live with it forever and then people could have, you know, people have ruptures, and 50 of people don't make it. And then I think they said, like another 50, the other 50 who survive have long-term disabilities. Yeah, and we saw at the wall, like the woman, she had a brain aneurysm and she was healthy. She was healthy, she was going to the gym every day, and so it can happen to anybody. It can happen out of nowhere. Um, and now she's living with long-term disabilities, you know. So it's just, thank god she's alive, you know. God bless her and all the survivors, and it's just, I didn't think it would happen to me.
Speaker 1:So his family says kids, yeah, so I encourage everyone to make sure you get your screenings and I'm just taking things day by day. Everybody's like, oh, you're strong and I'm just like I have to be. I have kids. I have to make sure I'm strong and I'm just like I have to be. I have kids. I have to make sure I'm good for my kids, like I still have to provide for them.
Speaker 1:But I will say, like it's really brought on health anxiety, like I told you, like yeah, I'm really scared about dying now, and even my kids, because I'm like I see what happened with him and the kids and it's like everybody like not knowing what to do at first because there wasn't a plan. And this is something that it hits so close. Yeah, it happened two years ago. Nobody expected it to happen again so soon. Like right, and there was never a conversation about it, like in case something happens, you know.
Speaker 1:So I made sure, like I told my family something happens to my kids. I want to make sure you have the kids, you know, I want to make sure they stay in school, out here, like and I encourage everybody get it, put it in writing, like put your plan. Like you never know, put it in writing. I went, I got another life insurance policy, so now I have three, because I'm like just want to make sure my kids are good. God forbid something happens to me. I already said what I want to happen, but I'm going to put it in writing and make sure people know. Make sure I have a list of passwords pin numbers bank account information.
Speaker 1:That's something you have to make sure that you have it written down so your family knows and they can have access to these things, that you have it written down so your family knows and they can have access to these things.
Speaker 2:I saw there was like a book that you, that you buy, that you could put like literally it's like a death book and I know that sounds horrible but you never know, you have to be prepared like we're at a big age right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're at our midlife point, yeah, and unfortunately, you know, we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so you really have to cherish each day, make sure you spend it with those who matter, like this situation has really shown me who is there for me, like my real friends have checked on me, called me, always make sure I'm good, like you know. Sometimes I know I don't respond because I'm just overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But you guys don't stop Like. You're like calling me, make sure I'm good, keeping me busy, making plans. My sister's always making sure I'm good, I'm like doing something with her, I'm like we're going to be spinsters forever.
Speaker 1:Like we're just going to be that's the plan, like we just meant to be together forever and yeah, it's really shown me who's been there for me and I, and I feel kind of hurt, like for people who haven't reached out, like I, like I told you, I was just like, you know, you really think people are your friends, like I understand. Like amir said, you know he didn't know what to say, but you still showed up. Yeah, you know he still showed up. You know he still reached out, even though you didn't know what you say. You said I don't know what to say, which is what what you say when you don't know what to say.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know what to say I don't have to say but I'm here, I'm here, I'm thinking of you.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know if you need to just scream, if you need to stay quiet, you know.
Speaker 1:You know. So it's just like now. I'm just really like anxious. I spoke to my therapist today and I'm just like I'm having really bad health anxiety. Like you know, I'm going through something with my health where I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what the outcome is and I have to wait and that's eating at me every day, like I'm like I don't want to die. Yeah, I don't want to die and leave my kids, but and I'm talking to him about this and he's just like you can't think like that.
Speaker 1:You know like things happen every day. You don't know what's gonna happen, but you can't think like that and I'm just like it's easier said than done, right, you know, like that's why I make sure I'm hugging my kids every day, I'm telling them I love them. Every day I'm spending doing more things with them, like trying to control my time on my phone, because I want to be in the present with them, making memories, and it's just a whole life, my whole life has turned around completely, but this things like this happen and it shows you like what's important, who's important, like the things that we take for granted.
Speaker 2:You know this showed us all like it hit super close to home. You know we would have never thought you know, if I, I was like don's gonna be in our life for the rest of our lives you know, know, we were planning our wedding. I remember the first time I met him. I was like I already know you, like that's literally what I told him. I was like I already know you Like. No, you don't even shake my hand. You're not hugging me.
Speaker 1:Like I already know you, he was such a special part, like he was a support. I used to call him and be like you're my man, udger. You know like he always stepped in when we needed him to step in and he supported anything I wanted to do. You know he really like wanted to push us out there, like to make sure that we were great and we had all, you know, everything we needed. He had so much like plans, like with his business, and he was so excited about you know we were, we were talking about houses. We went.
Speaker 1:I remember we were sending each other a whole bunch of houses, like we're looking at houses like one million, 1.2 million, 2 million, and he's like, oh, that's not bad. Like, and I'm like the mortgage is like 20 000 and he's like, don't worry, in two years we're gonna be good. So I remember one day we were driving and I was like, oh, this, this is where the house is at. It was like a two million dollar house. It was right on the water and Bayshore and I was like, let's go drive by there. So I pulled it up on Zillow and I was like we drove and we're looking at this, all the houses on this little cul-de-sac and I'm like, oh my God, these houses are beautiful, that's goals.
Speaker 1:He was like we're going to do it, like that's going to be our house. You know, that was how he was. Like, nope, we're going to do this. Yeah, he never said he couldn't do anything. And he's like you want that, we're going to have that, you know. So now it's just like I'm just trying to take care of myself. Yeah, you know, eat healthier, get healthy. I'm praying a lot, like I just want to be there for my kids to at least raise them until they're an adult. You know, I just want to live for them, like that's why I pray. I know everything's going to be fine. I've got to speak positive. I'm worried, but I'm'm gonna leave everything in God's hands. I just wanna be there long enough to see my kids off to adulthood, you know.
Speaker 2:I think that's what it's always been my biggest fear leaving my kids, cause there's no love like a mother's love.
Speaker 1:You know, and thank God, don was a great dad. He did everything for those kids, you know, and thank god don was a great dad. Those he did everything for those kids, you know, and my kids, in that short time that we were together like he was practicing basketball with romeo, you know he supported him and whatever he wanted to do, like he made sure he was a role model for romeo and um, that's why now I'm just trying to be the best mom I could be. I'm not worried about anything else, just being the best mom I could be, making sure my kids are good, make sure they have memories, because you know, like they say, you can buy the kids, buy them anything. They're always going to forget what you bought them.
Speaker 1:The memories are the priceless things that they're going to have forever. And you know I'm a picture person. I make it sure.
Speaker 2:I feel like this is something that kind of like. I was like wow, you know I'm not a picture person, you know I'm like I don't care. I feel like that's something that now I'm like wow, you need the pictures.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank God, I have all those pictures of Dawn and me and the kids. Like I took pictures all the time, yeah, pictures videos.
Speaker 2:Like you know, we were watching videos and I was just like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:It was. You know, when you think back and you're like sometimes there are like signs, you know, like that week before, because they say when people kind of have a feeling like they it's not not like they know. But when you think back, like the things they do kind of like make you think like did they know that they were leaving? Because it was so somber, like how much he was saying he's gonna miss me and I'm like how, and then me even telling him like how am I gonna sleep without you? You know, like in my mind now I'm like it was almost as if you were getting prepared.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the week before we took some gummies and this is a funny story, but it's like a really nice story. We took gummies and we're like, oh, it's not working, let's take more. So then, all of a sudden, we're like oh, it's not working, let's take more. So then all of a sudden, we're like, oh, my God, we are so messed up. And we're like I was like, I'm hungry, I want Chick-fil-A frozen lemonade, I want a Big Mac and fries. And he's just like we're not going to order from all these different places. And I'm like and so we like I remember we just sitting there, like stuck, like looking at the like fat asses, like looking at the phone on uber, like what are we gonna get? And then I have.
Speaker 1:The funny thing is I was recording us at the time like like yo, like I have the video, like we're cracking up, like we're so fucked up, and then all of a sudden we're talking and we're joking and he was. He started. I was like oh, are you looking at me with those eyes? You saw the video. And he's just like I was like oh, that's how he was looking at me when we first met. He was like yeah, I was I. He was like he said something in spanish, right, and then I said something in spanish and he was just like, yeah, I was like, oh, you know spanish. He's like I said something in Spanish and he was just like, yeah, I was like, oh, you know Spanish. He was like, yeah, mamá me bicho. And I was cracking up. I'm like, oh, my God, yo, I fell back on the bed in the video and I'm cracking up and we were dying like bugging out. And then we're talking and he's like, no, no, I got you.
Speaker 1:And all of a sudden I started bawling, because he always used to say, oh, I'm going to make you cry, not like that. But I used to be like I'm so strong, you're never going to make me cry. I don't cry, you know, I always said that I don't cry, I'm not emotional. And he's like, oh, I'm out on a wedding. You're going to cry when you see me. So then he's like something he said I got you. And all of a sudden I'm bawling, like he's like babe, it's okay, what's wrong? He's like I made you cry. And he was like you know, I got you. And I was just like I'm so emotional and it was just like a beautiful moment Like I'm like I can't believe I'm crying, but I was just like, so happy, like to say I finally have someone who has my back. I never had that before. You know, that night, we laying in bed and I have had like my chest, I was leaning on him and we were just like.
Speaker 1:we were so like messed up that it felt like our souls were connected like it felt like we were going, like like our hearts would stop and then they would get back up like we were, just like. It was weird.
Speaker 1:It felt like we were, just like we're so our hearts were connecting and then it felt like you know, you get paranoid, you can't breathe, like your heart stops, and I was just like and then it started going again and I was just like do you feel that? He's like yeah, that's crazy, right? So the next day we're talking about it and he's like yo.
Speaker 1:I felt like our souls were connected, like that's how it felt and I'm like we had such a moment. So it's just like I'm grateful. I have all these memories with him. I have pictures, I have all these text messages of him telling me he loves me all the time and voice notes. So, thank god, I have pictures, I have all these text messages of him telling me he loves me all the time and voice notes. So, thank god, I have the podcast to listen back on the episodes. I haven't been able to, though I haven't because I'm just.
Speaker 2:I just get too overwhelmed, yeah if I can't, I know you can't because I yeah sometimes it'll pop up. So I've been kind of like leaning off of tiktok, because sometimes it'll come up on my for you page, yeah, and people like, and it's like either that or it'll just pop up randomly and it's like you don't expect it because it's like I hear his voice and I'm like what the fuck?
Speaker 2:that's the hard part. No, it's like, and I feel bad doing it, but I'm like I switch off because it hurts that's the hard part for me.
Speaker 1:The other day I'm scrolling and one of the videos came up and katie was like is that done?
Speaker 1:and I'm like, oh yeah, it's a video and I'm just like I have his picture in my room right behind my bed and I sleep on his side of the bed and I talk to him and I'm in the car and I'm just like I know you're here. I got his heartbeat tatted on me with agape. He used to be like that's agape, like that's the highest form of love. I always said I'll get my name tatted when we were married. But I feel like we were spiritually married, so I got his name tatted, you know. So I know he's like, yeah, that's right, I know, but um, I miss him. I miss him. I just miss his presence. I miss the kids. I miss what I thought my life was going to be. So it's just like just letting God lead the way that's all I could do and just pray that things will change. I'll get to see the kids more, spend time with them, have them over and once everything gets settled, because it's still so fresh yeah, that's what it is.
Speaker 1:It's just felt like everything was just like taken away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, and I don't want to be making about me because I know I take the same thing for them even more, you know. But it's just, this is my perspective of things. You know, like I'm just, it's going to be five years since I lost my dad and I know that it does get better, you know, because in the beginning with my dad, you know, I went through that whole panic disorder, that dark place that I was at for like two years, and I was able to get out of it with therapy. Thank God I have my therapist. They've been there for me since the hospital. When I call them, I'm like I don't know what to do and they help me too.
Speaker 1:They still check on me, like my therapist would call me last night. He's been calling me and I've been so busy at work and he was calling me last night and I was like, oh, I fucked him tomorrow. And then this morning I'm driving to work. He called me. He's like I was gonna go do a wellness check on you because you didn't pick up and I'm like, my God, I'm so sorry. Can you imagine?
Speaker 2:him showing up at my house oh hello.
Speaker 1:I'm like, okay, I'm, you know, I'm as okay as I can be at the moment, you know. So, coming here doing this podcast, I wanted to talk about it Because everybody saw the relationship from the beginning. We told our story. He popped me in the eye. We told that story. You know, in the eye, we told that story. You know, like there's so much, this podcast was how we met, right, you know, I reached out to him to be a guest on this podcast, really trying to like, you know, you know so it's just like I wanted to tell let everybody know what happened.
Speaker 1:It's been hard. I didn't know if I wanted to come back to him. In the beginning I was just like I don't want to do this anymore.
Speaker 2:Listen, I heard you say a lot of things I said a lot I heard you say a lot of things.
Speaker 1:I'm like I don't want to do this anymore. And then I'm like you know what? He wouldn't want me to quit, so here we are here. We are, yeah, we're back, and we're not sure what the future holds.